Does anyone else despise those stupid, little chalky hearts that everyone seems to be trying to shift two seconds after midnight on February 15? They come in little squares boxes with a clear section in the front so you can shake it and see if the message you know will win over your beloved is in that box. “This candy heart says ‘My Girl’. If I give it to her, she’ll then become my girl. Brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!”
I hate those things. Worse than that, however, is when people (say, a certain jerk in eighth grade) write mean things on them and throw them at your head. Does that happen to anyone else?
And have you seen how you can now personalize what the little hearts say? You can put your significant other’s name on it, your anniversary date, even a special heartfelt message. Just make sure said heartfelt message is short enough to fit on a heart the size of your thumb. UR A QT. Yes, because shortening words to letters is a beautiful example of how well you can provide for your girlfriend with the money you’ll be making flipping burgers. Well done, jerk off.
And girls can be crazy about those things. If you don’t carefully check every single heart for the perfect message for your relationship and just hand her one as an after-thought, she will then proceed to develop seventeen different meanings to the heart that says “Wuv you”. (Yes, Wuv with an earth W). Just be thankful none of them say “Will U Marry me?” …Yet.